What woman dives into a relationship with a man immediately after he drops his fiancé in a snap, and rips her away from his kids that have been in her life for four years? What does it take to look deep into someone’s eyes and be hypnotized by the stories they tell: the reasons he had to leave his first wife, and the next/mother of his children, and then followed by the almost third wife? The tales clearly feel honest, emotional, and very real. Did she at first have the gut feeling that something was off? Like I did? How different could she be from me?
How did I justify ignoring my intuition? What did the voice in my head say to suppress my unsteady thoughts about how quickly he had moved on from one ex wife to me, the future fiancé?
In reflecting, one of the strongest voices in my head was the one that told myself to stop being so negative. Stay open, Rachel. Focus on the positive. Did I have a penchant for the bad stuff? I wondered. I analyzed and re-analyzed how I had made conclusions in my marriage and last relationship.
How surreal it is now to notice that instead of honoring my true sense of doubt and discomfort, I was my own bully. My mind nudged my gut to shut the hell up and be open to this man. Sure, his grandiose romantic acts and words he used to coerce and persuade me to remain under his spell were like the soothing eye mask I wear to bed; keeping my lids shut, calming me, vindicating the bully in my mind. See? He loves you so much. Stop sweating the stuff that bothers you.
So I’m adding another thing that I’m grateful for out of this mess that changed my life. Taking my own power back. Listening to the bully in my mind and instead of giving in, I can challenge her. Because each voice – the mind, the gut, the heart – is still mine, and one should not have control over the others.