Today was the day I was getting married. It’s been in the works for almost two years. For the last six months, this date has been hanging over me like a dark, scary shadow. I’ve been preparing for this. Getting centered, getting guarded and protected by a force of love. Surrounded by loving people, in a beautiful place, in gratitude. OK that nothing went as planned. OK that he wasn’t the man I thought I loved, and that I am not the woman he left six months ago.
Memory is cruel.
My merry-go-round moves at all speeds casting the moments of the past into the air mightily at times. Sometimes they hit hard and the pain is so strong. Just the other day, I was struck by the smile and bright blue eyes of a little girl next to me interacting with her mom. Her spirit and vibrancy – just like the step daughter I thought I had. She smiled at me in a similar warm, trusting way. She was just about the same age as his daughter – when I first met her. Five years old. The day I met her, she climbed on my lap and hugged me affectionately as we sat in the audience of Disney On Ice, my introductory treat for the two of them. I was mesmerized by this young, beautiful stranger full of life in my presence. Over the years, she made me feel needed like I had never felt. She continued to look at me with an intense loving trust that felt like a rush of warm salty water soothing my entire body.
There’s an awakening that occurs when things don’t go as expected. Yesterday it rained although the forecast was sunny and clear. There was nothing to do except go with it. Adjust. Assimilate. I feel like these are qualities that aren’t innate for many people. Or perhaps they are characteristics that feel uncomfortable.
Being OK with the unexpected isn’t comfortable. It’s difficult. It hurts sometimes. It feels shitty not to be pleased. But we can’t always be pacified. At some point we need to lose the pacifier and face it.
When the rain abruptly stopped yesterday, me and my darling friends hadn’t noticed what happened moments later. We were laughing, sharing, toasting. Then I spotted it – the rainbow that shot up and bent perfectly over the water. An inspirational sight that only lasted another few moments before the weather changed again. Like a fresh reminder that nothing will go as we envision it. Yet, it will still be beautiful.