A letter to God

In Elul, the 60 days leading up to the Jewish High Holidays, it is said that God is in the fields, with us. He is informal, and predisposed to grant all requests. It is encouraged not to wait until Yom Kippur (the day to atone for sins in the previous year), but to take the days of Elul to reflect and prepare for the new year, dig deep daily, so that you have a greater understanding of who you have been, and who you strive to be.

…”every person has the opportunity without petitioning for an audience, to go to God, say hello, and ask for whatever he or she needs…” (60 Days: A spiritual guide to the High Holidays, by Simon Jacobson)

Dear God,

Hello. I haven’t actually reached out to you directly in a long while. Not by name that is. You supported my shocked family and friends five months ago, when the life I had collapsed and crumbled beneath me. You must have been with me during those moments that felt like my last. Undoubtably, you have been called on to help decipher the ugly cruelty that I faced.

Thanks for the nudge. And the others that have followed. I feel as if I have been in the field ever since. Inhaling deeply, noticing nature around me, the grass that has changed from bright green to pale yellow and back again. The grass has persisted- sturdy in winds and rains, humid heat and dewy chills. Solid, but fragile, like earth. Pink, white, lavender flowers have bloomed in all shapes and sizes. Many have closed up and fallen. The trees have shown beauty and strength, and are getting tired of their leaves. I’ve been wandering, looking, searching, discovering – who am I and what am I about? What do I stand for? Who will I become after my reinvention is complete? How will I keep her alive?

As we near to the new year this week, I ask for your faithful confidence in me. I ask for the continued ability to notice myself, my surroundings and take it all in on a deep, personal level. I need my ability of self-awareness. I cannot fall back into self-doubt.

Do you recall that I did beg you to help me – back when I was crippled with fear that he would stop loving me the way he promised to? I begged for the pain to end, to get off the roller coaster of so high and so low, the tumultuous ride of uncertainty. Instead, I came flying off and crash landed into a deeper pain that has shook me. Also, awakened me.

There is nowhere else I need to be right now. There is nothing to do, no-one who waits for me to act. No-one but myself.

So, God, I need the reminders that it’s ok to ask for help. Remind me of my sangha (community), that I’m part of a bigger whole, I’m not expected to take on the world alone – that I don’t have to. Be with me now, in this moment, while I get through it to the next.

With gratitude,

Rachel