It won’t always be like this – right? I can’t be carrying on about the man I thought loved me who turned out to be a narcissist for the rest of my days, can I? It certainly seems as if I have a lot to say about it. Again, it’s only been seven months. 213 days. Still, I’m working to avoid becoming hardened and bitter, or a distrusting man-hater. I’m actually working towards becoming softer. And I think it’s happening.
On this #GivingTuesday, I reflect on all that I’m grateful for, and how I will give of myself.
Although I wouldn’t wish the pain that he unleashed on me on anyone (including his new girlfriend whom I forwarded this blog recently), I am on a path I can’t imagine I would be on had he not walked away like none of it mattered. It didn’t matter to him, I see that now. It’s painful to think of memories when I so vividly felt loved as I was, and realize now that wasn’t and couldn’t have been real for him.
How do I keep from rewriting history as I knew it into a terribly sad story?
I really did think ours was an incredible love. I thought he was kind, genuine, thoughtful, emotional and brilliant. Because he can seem to show all of that, and very well. All of his good qualities outweighed any of the parts I despised: his short fuse anger, the verbal attacks, withdrawing his affection, his over the top righteousness and extreme sensitivity. Now, in my brain, I attempt to reframe my experience going from “love of my life” to worthless. Reframe it all as a *gift*.
Early on, when my world burned up around me, I had to turn into the flames, and look at the reflection of myself, and make something of the ashes. Reinvent. I’ve shed much of the woman he manipulated and foiled, I’m an all-around better version of her. I’ve slowed down. I have opened up. I love myself like I never had, like I never did. All of which I am am *grateful* to him for.
I’ve felt like giving up, like there was nothing for me, as I’m sure I will feel again. All I can do is keep going. Moment by moment. Day to day. Find something inside me that is a *gift* and be grateful for it.
I am beyond fortunate for the family and friends that I have. I feel a closeness and powerful love for each one of them that is the strongest it’s ever been. So grateful.
I’m so grateful for the power of music – a constant throughout my entire life. Huge gratitude for the women who help me through their magical lyrics and voices on these specific songs I have had on loop for days on end:
Sara Bareilles – Hold My Heart
Jonatha Brooke – Nothing Sacred
Melody Gardot – Your Heart is As Black As Night
Annie Lennox – Why
Missy Higgins – Where I Stood
Indigo Girls – Ghost
Demi Lovato – Skyscraper
Sia – Unstoppable
Kesha – Praying:
You always hear how giving feels better than receiving. Probably true. I’m still learning how to give in ways that really matter. And I’m a novice at feeling grateful for who I am now, and who I am becoming. I’m just lucky to be on the way to find out.